Count Down to Healthy
Struggling with the pressure to be thin since I was a little girl..
I just want to be perfect.
5'11 . HW:160 CW:149
I'm finally taking a chance with being fit, healthy, and strong.
I've let disordered thinking take control of my mind and body for way too long,
and I'm giving this whole "healthy" thing a shot.
Why can’t I be one of those naturally skinny girls that has the metabolism of a 5 year old and gets to eat everything in sight who also wakes up with glowing skin and has singing birds in her hair
I’m a sickness, a disease
I’ll infect you
It breaks my heart to admit it
Everything I touch turns to dust
I try to hold it in place but it is further destroyed with every desperate attempt
I am a plague
To myself and everything unlucky enough for me to love
Still in knowing this, I’m too selfish to let go
I need your good to out weigh my bad . I need your high to balance out my low . But no amount of good could ever accomplish that. My bad will devour and destroy any spark of light, any glimpse of hope. I’ll steal it and make it mine, but it will quickly die away, for it does not belong in such a horrid place. So what will be left? An empty abyss
I love you, you can do it.
Maybe, some day ..
Thank you.
Why is it so hard to love myself? To look in the mirror and smile.. Instead i cry because because it reflects Dissapointment and a distortion of what was once innocence. Is it because I see me at my worse, aware of the facade I play everyday to unsuspecting souls .. who do not care at all if it this act is real or not. I willingly do impossible things , and harshly criticize every small mistake ..for those who do not take a second look when I’m on the ledge of a building screaming “DO YOU SEE ME NOW?” I want perfection .. For every stranger and everyone close. So they do not see the ugliness that lies beneath my skin. The selfish, the coward, the lazy and the failure. I except everyone and everything in such desperate hope that the favor will be bestowed back upon me.. But if there ever is, I criticize and question until they change their view .. No I will never deserve the acceptance of people like you. Because I know me, and no matter how much praise you bathe me in I will never be holy. I will never be the child who smiled at the world with such fearlessness, I will never be the girl who Does not question your love, ever again.. because I do not love myself. Now I am broken and scared and ashamed.. I lost at all of life’s games. Still, I search for the adoration I will never accept .. & hide the insecurity that eats at whatever’s left inside of me. I will keep my shell flawless and beautiful as I can, if it cracks I will shatter and sweep myself in the corner & under a rug until I can piece it together, you will not see me ugly.
